Quitting

Quitting seems to be a recurring theme in my life these days. Which is really disheartening, because I hate to think of myself as a quitter. But lately, I feel like I'm quitting everything: running, reading, writing in my journal: things I used to need to stay afloat that have fallen by the wayside with everything else going on in my life.

It's fine. I'm wrestling with guilt for quitting these things and really working on a way to fit them back into my life. But I also understand that life has ups and downs, busy schedules and new events that cause us to rework some things. It's all about learning what's important and how to balance those important things, and that's what I'm learning to do right now.

Still, the guilt is there. That's what is making it so hard to potentially add another thing in my life to the "quit" category. About a month ago, I started volunteering at the Y's after-school program. When I signed up, I was told that I would be helping students, one-on-one, with their reading and writing skills. I did this in high school and loved it. Part of me still thinks I'd be a good teacher, but I'm not willing to commit to that life track yet so I figure volunteering is a good way to fit that interest into my life. Also, I've been feeling guilty (there's that Catholic guilt again ...) since moving here that I'm not more involved in the community. When I lived in small towns I was involved in practically everything, but I haven't yet found my niche in this city.

I've been going to the Y twice a week for about a month now, and I hate it. I don't hate the kids - the kids, I love. I hate the environment. I do no one-on-one work with the kids unless I seek it out, and when I do, I get in trouble for helping the wrong kids (maybe this wouldn't happen if they'd give me some direction and tell me who needs the helping!!). So yesterday, I sat back quietly and waited for someone to tell me who needed help. I sat there like an invisible person for 2 hours while they regular teachers did their own thing.

The other thing that really irritates me is the way the teachers treat the kids. This is more of a daycare environment than an after-school educational program, I'm finding out. It's a state-licensed literacy program, yet the teachers seem pretty uninspiring and, frankly, not too bright. They also yell at the kids incessantly. (Now, I think I've revealed my attention span for kids is not real great, either, and I understand working with them all day can be tiring. BUT, when your purpose is to teach kids, you turn into the adult and focus on them, not you. These people can't do that).

The other component is that I'm taking time from my real job to do this, which makes it all the more unbearable to sit there doing nothing. Still, I feel bad. The teachers praise me over and over for coming in because I'm the only volunteer the program has (hm, wonder why that is?). And I've developed relationships with a couple kids, which makes it hard to leave.

I'm scheduled to go again tomorrow and I'm not yet sure what I'll do. Actually, I think the tone of this post pretty much tells me what I'm going to do; I just feel bad about it. Another endeavor down the tubes ...